EXPECTING THE UNEXPECTED

A model-thin advertising mogul who lives out of a suitcase and boasts of a collection of shoes, bags, clothes, and accessories profuse enough to fit the closet of a fashion magazine. This is the movie in my mind. Or, should I say, was.

I had a wish list of what I wanted to happen to my life in the next 7 years. I dreamed, prayed and hoped. Despite the movie character I longed to become, I remained realistic. At the time, I was enjoying my new found career in public relations. I was always on the go as my mind went wild with creative ideas and colorful imaginations. I was (and, if the schedule permits, still am) a workaholic by day, social butterfly by night. I was, then, 22 years old.

Fast forward to 7 years, my profile now reads: Film school graduate, public relations manager, layout artist, writer, fashion fanatic, partyphile, shutterbug and SINGLE MOTHER.

Fate came a-calling just days before my 23rd birthday. The two tell-tale lines on the pregnancy test led me to silent cries of disbelief as I went through the whole painful ordeal and discovery of such unexpected chaos. The truth didn’t quite sink in (or maybe I chose not to believe the sign) until I took my third test. I wanted to lash out on friends who comforted me by saying that my 7-week-old baby was the greatest gift God could ever give me for my birthday. “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! MY LIFE IS OVER!” I didn’t know what the future held for me, nor did I know what a baby would mean in my life. Tears and fears aside, having calmed my nerves down, I swallowed the truth and inhaled courage and strength.

I tried to live and breathe the air of a fulfilled woman for the rest of the 32 weeks of my pregnancy. TRIED was the operative word as it was hard going through the difficult days alone. This mom-to-be was living on her own, with the future of the child depending on her profession and bank account. If you were an OB-Gyne, I’d say I wasn’t your usual case, with not much qualms, pregnancy woes and discomfort…

Everything was by choice.

I didn’t go through the paglilihi phase because if I craved for any particular food at any given time of the day, I KNEW I WOULD HAVE TO GET IT ON MY OWN.

I didn’t have dizzy spells and morning sickness because if I fail to show up at work, I KNEW I WOULDN’T EARN ENOUGH TO SAVE FOR MY CHILD’S FUTURE.

I wasn’t slow to move at work because I WAS DRIVEN TO FINISH ON TIME SO I COULD LEAVE BEFORE THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS CLOSED SO I COULD BUY MY DINNER.

I endured 22 hours of labor without epidural, puffing through Lamaze breathing techniques and getting clock-crazy doing mental counting, BECAUSE I HAD NO ONE TO RELY ON BUT MYSELF AND THE LITTLE BUDGET I HAD FOR CHILDBIRTH EXPENSES.

From the point of childbirth to how my daughter is right now, I give credit to my friends as I have come to fully understand the blessing Tatiana brought to my life. With her first word and step, every milestone she made, I found more reasons to embrace life. My daughter is my strength now as my mom had been before. She loves me as if I am her sun and moon. It is through her that I learned the art of forgiving. I shed out whatever excess baggage I had (both emotionally and physically), and found more reasons to believe that there is so much good and beauty in this world. Little things don’t bother me anymore. I’ve been through childbirth, nothing can ever rain on my parade. I developed a knack for looking at the brighter side of life. I still have my shortcomings as a single parent (workaholic and unable to provide other luxuries, etc), but I try my hardest to give my daughter a better chance in living her life to the fullest.

Motherhood for a single mom, like me, is a road to improvement. I continue to be a work in progress, and I commit to be the best for my daughter. I am her best frenemy, a fairy godmother and wicked witch in one form. I share my friendships, happiness and troubles with her, just as she tells me her innocent thoughts on life. We bring the house down with bickers and squabbles, but make up for it with more love than I ever thought possible. It pains me to be at work when I know my daughter longs for my time and attention during the day. However, I not only need my career to provide for her, but also to inspire her with whatever success I can claim from using my talents and brain. What and how I am now will shape my child’s future.

With her, I am living a purpose-driven life.